so with the gradual healing of the physical bruises comes the outcropping of the emotional. wonderful. i've gone through several different forms of ptsd, and i've eventually managed my way out of each. it's not the "if" that worries me, it's the "when". in an attempt to keep myself from hermitting completely, and to keep my uscles from atrophying any more than they have to, i've attempted to go for a short walk every day. i make it about 3 blocks before the panicked need to return home overtakes the gorgeous weather we've had this week. why does depression always coincide with weather it depresses me more to be wasting?

so this time i can't sleep. let me tell you a story. when i first got my permit i managed to run my grandmother's 94 ford explorer into a large pole. no one was hurt, but it shook me enough to never follow through with my license. i did well enough on the first road test i took, and had it not been for the woman's insane demands that i back up 5 car lengths while trying to remain a steady 6 inched from the curb i'd have passed. i didn't, and the next time i tried to take the test there were other, non technical issues to deal with. excuses, excuses. since then i've harboured a deep fear of car accidents, namely causing them. now, i know i didn't cause this accident, but i've had dreams like that, and this event merely added real life details to the dreams. so i can't sleep. i invent insomnia so i don't have to sleep, i find reasons to stay awake, i mess up my levels to make sure i don't get too sleepy. this is a problem. i can't sit in a car without tensing up, shit i can't even watch tv without it triggering something. THIS is a problem. just one more thing i need help with, just one more problem i need to talk about, just one more doctor i need to worry about.

you see...i also have a LOT of issues with therapists. the wrong ones have messed me up in several ways, and i have neither the time nor the energy right now to find a new one. i'm having a hard enough time trying to get a regular doctor appointment so i can go back to work! how am i going to find a new therapist i can trust being in my head?

so here i am. i want to go back to work so i can quit thinking about this, but i'm still extremely sore AND i need to see a doctor for the "all clear". i tried getting myself out of the house twice today to no avail. i'm gaining weight, i'm losing energy, and im falling apart. i need a light at the end of the tunnel...but it would probably give me a panic attack.

Categories: car accident [t]

its amazing how, even when you don't like your job, if you go too long without doing anything, you want to work again. I hope you out of your hermit phase soon.
and I added you =)
» LostSoul13 on 2007-07-04 02:39:02

On finding a therapist, you could ask around, see if there are any people that other people you trust recommend... stuff like that...
» randomjunk on 2007-07-04 04:50:52

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