I'm having a hell of a time getting the days off for Angela's wedding. My free day bid struck out...I didn't even get my fucking birthday off. So, I'll be here. I don't really think we can afford to do anything anyway. We're so beyond broke right now. It's my 25th, and I'd LIKE to do something for it...but eh. I guess we've got our vacation in September, and maybe a new beardie in October.

I set up the bedroom grid last night. I'm not sure if I slept better, but I was slightly less gretsy. I did, however, panic attack right before sleep, right after "bed", right in the middle of...well, you get it. I hate when that happens. :( All day yesterday I couldn't keep my blood suagr above 100. I've adjusted my basal today, but I was high this morning as a result of ripping my site out on the train (literally...I leaned against the seat and the corner rubbed the site right out of me...ouch!) If it doesn't work, I need to adjust some other t hings...I don't want to be sick in DAL.

Tomorrow is DAL. I may or may not have computer access. Ryan might let me take the lappy, but I'm debating whether or not I just need the time away from it all. Tonight I'm setting up t he Etsy shop for our bath fizzies and salts. We need a banner, so I didn't get it done last night. I also need to pack, and Ryan's mom is being nice enough to guy us some groceries.

I'm always sure I have something interesting to say when I start these things...I've just been so BLECH lately...My main concern at the moment is money...but where is it going to come from? It's just not.

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to know where to begin i'd have to know where i left off...but that's probably not going to happen, since as soon as i'm done here i'm going to coma. we've spent since monday cleaning and building and shoveling.. in the end we have a (mostly) clean home with (almost) a place for everything and a new blue bookshelf we built from the planks we dug out of the back yard. last night's gathering went pretty well aside from burning myself and the part about not sleeping much before work today (which explains the imminent coma). i got through yesterday pretty well, better than the last few anyway. i was a bit gretsy and depressed all day, but ryan was extremely patient and understanding. he bought me roses and gave me lots of kisses. having other things to do helped too. we talked about my mom a little, and i felt a little better about things. man, 12 years goes by fast. i'm still a little out of sorts, but i'll get over it. it's a lot of not feeling well, not sleeping well, being stressed out, and just the general feelings this time of year. there are a few new issues this year, but we'll get through it.

half day tomorrow, dallas wednesday...sleep now...

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yesterday was a half day...why? because i left my backpack at the damned chinese food place the previous night
and they didn't open until 11am yesterday...luckily i didn't get in trouble for it...yet. after work ryan and i worked on some things around the house in preparation for next week. i made dinner, and we watched enchanted before heading to bed. today i had off so i got a bunch done in the living room. we're supposed to be adopting froggies from a girl on Craigslist, and we've been looking at beardies. We probably won't get one until the fall, but we've been looking for one that may need a new home first. I REALLY want a new beardie. :(

tonight we're going to the phillies game with ryans family. should be fun. we can't really afford to eat there, but we'll work it out. tomorrow is a 4am day and sunday is a 5am, but then i've got 4 days off...excellent. i'm still hoping someone will come through for me for friday but it doesn't look hopeful. fuck.

ok enough of this...time to gather clothing for game...

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So a while ago I realized someone I love doesn't feel the same...that she never really has...it's a hard pill to swallow when someone who has called you her girlfriend doesn't even tell you she's notin love with you...you have to read about it elsewhere. In any case...she's still the mother of my goddaughter, and while I'm not sure we'll ever be as close as we used to be, I'd like to not lose a friend. Ryan says I need to just sever all ties, and he's probably right, but that's never been my style. I guess it's lead me to a lot of hurt, but if I followed that advice for everyone I've ever loved....I'd be out several friends. I don't know what I eally expect from her. I've always left the ball in her court, let her decide where we went with things...I've always been theone putting in the effort, and she's used to me rolling over for what she wants. It'll be interesting to see what happens when the patterns change and she's expected to put in some effort too. She's not the only one going through things, and for once she needs to realize that life isn't a valid excuse for treating people like shit.

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last night was a lot of fun...we went back to rich, jon, and kris' place and made some superdrinks. i felt a lot better than i had the previous night, so i was actually able to relax and have a little fun. drew was there, and it's always good to see him. we tried to hit up ac moore first, but they were closed due to a power outage. oops. despite all the drinking and craziness we still managed to get a full night's sleep AND my blood sugar's been good all morning. :) it should be a good day...and i finally get to make my lasagna tonight!

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We kidnapped Kristin (by kidnapped I mean she drove to our house and willingly helped us clear her a seat in the car) and drove out to the Celtic Fling, the first event of the year on the PA Ren Faire grounds. It was a gorgeous day aside from some light rain on the way up there, and I managed not to get sun burned! Kristin spent all her money, we did pretty well considering, and all in all a good day. It was great to be back where we met with the man I love. He kicked my ass in the fighting circle, as did the giant turkey leg I attempted to eat for dinner, but eh, you can't win em all. We really needed a day out to enjoy the weather and each other, and it was good to spend some just hangin' out time with Kristin without anything else to worry about. It made me anxious for opening day, and now I'm ready for faire season!!! This year we have plans for KC, MD, and PA at least a few times. Maybe for our anniversary! Damn, it feels good to be a Renny!

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