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What is the What,
still missing her
Saturday. 7.18.09 11:51 am
Thirteen years ago today I lost my best friend, my source of support as a diabetic and as a soon to be teenage girl, my mother. For a long time it was never grief I lived with, but guilt. Why wasn't I there? Why didn't I go see her more in the hospital? The simple answer? There are several. It was a routine surgery. It was summer vacation. I didn't want to make my dad uncomfortable by making him visit his ex-wife in the hospital. The more complex? I could never imagine a world without her in it. It was unfathomable to me that she would ever be taken away from me, that my mother was not invincible. Sure, she was sick quite often, but we always got through it together. How could a Lord and Lady, a God, Fate ever conceive of a universe where my twelve year old self did not have her mother? Somewhere inside I think I also knew, and feared, that this was not the case. Something inside me knew that soon I would be very alone. Still, for a long time I felt I should have said more, done more, been more before she died so that she would know how important she was to me. I built a strong, almost tangible edifice around myself that day. I was determined not to show my weakness. I helped plan a funeral. I comforted my grandmother. I read. I wrote. I meditated and I cried on my own time. I continued my life. The thing no one tells you about building walls is that you never get rid of what is held inside them. The sadness, the guilt, the regret...it's all trapped inside until one day you realize you're nothing but a ghetto of derelict emotions. Unfortunately when this realization came about I was unable to formulate a plan that didn't involve demolishing the whole project and starting from scratch. So, that's what I did. I tore away the rotten panels of my walls and unleashed a world of puling, putrid mental and emotional pestilence.
I can't say, honestly, that it ever gets easier. I can say, however, that with time people have come into my life that make it more tolerable. This year, number thirteen, has been a hard one in many ways. Our household has dealt with a lot of personal crises, but also a lot of personal growth. We've lost, we've gained, and we've fortified in a much healthier way that I knew how to in 1996. I've rediscovered a support system I've had for years, and I've added to it with new links and bonds that I hope never weaken. I've had my rough spots, sure. Maybe it comes with the territory as a motherless daughter planning her wedding, or maybe it comes from feeling so far away from the life I left behind when I moved to Philadelphia, but I have felt the void a lot more intricately and intimately than ever before. I can not imagine getting through it without Ryan and our close-knit family of friends. Their value is incalculable to me...and it is because of them that I can honestly say today will be a better day.
been a long while
Tuesday. 7.14.09 12:06 am
So here i am...can't sleep...a little scared.
we lost mowgli two weeks ago...at least. i miss him dearly. now there may be hope...but i'm afraid it might be too late. i found his picture on the montgomery county spca website...who knows how he got all the way to conshohocken...but it's been 2 weeks...gods, i hope he's still there....
it's been a long few weeks...ive been up, ive been down...we've gone berry picking, we've had our dedications to moonfire...i met a girl who makes me act like i'm 14 around her...the cat's having kittens...we've had fights, we've had amazing sex, and he's told me how much he loves me and how lucky he is that i'm his wife...we're both working...we're planning a wedding and a house...i'm planning a return to school...i'm working more...i'm getting my license...i'm feeling better most days...
when it boils down to it...i can't imagine our life being any different...yes, things could be easier...but things could never be better.
i am blessed.
i am alive.
on the west coast
Tuesday. 6.2.09 11:28 pm
I haven't updated since I've been here, and that's not a mistake. There comes a need to disconnect and not just rethink...but unthink. At home things are bad. There's no work, and prices just keep creeping upwards. We can no longer afford groceries if we pay PECO, but PECO will shut us off again if we don't pay every month on time. The moment we begin to break even something else collapses. We've been so close at times that we actually considered planning this wedding to happen in March 2010. The court date for our house is Friday. We were hoping to have our tax return by then to pay what we owe. Even if we could pay it off at this point we would be right back in this hole next month.
Here, things are not so bad...and it makes me homesick. There are some people here I miss dearly, and there never seems to be enough time. I love Ryan's family to death, but I miss being near MY family when things fall apart. Lately, things fall apart on a daily basis. I miss familiar towns and sights. Maybe I just miss a simpler time in my life, a time when there was still hope and faith that I could do anything. At what point in our lives do we stop being omnipotent? When did I lose my invincibility?
I've had a fantastic week showing Ryan my first home. He doesn't always see the beauty or importance, and that's when I know I'm merely waxing sentimental. He is my emotional Richter scale. We've been to Berkeley, Sausalito, SF, and the flea market. He's participated in endless hours of virtual carnage with my father, and it makes me smile that they get along so well. It also makes me slightly sad because I know my dad doesn't have a lot of reliable friends in his life. I know he gets lonely, and it makes me want to stay.We went to a party at Dominick and Wendy's last weekend, and I realized how much I've fallen behind and out of the loop. I also know how much it would hurt Ryan to feel the same. I know when I agreed to marry him that it may mean settling down in PA. He wants to leave too, but there are a lot of mitigating circumstances.
So, that's where we are...we could use some good thoughts...
i need a miracle
Thursday. 5.21.09 12:20 am
If any of you are reading this and are friends of Ryan...please don't tell him I'm posting any of this. He gets weird about what people know about our personal lives....for the most part it's protected to a relatively small group of people, but still...personal. I just need an outlet, and I'm tired of making him feel bad about it. We're not making it. I know, everyone is having rough times right now...but really....we're not making it. Fuck this economy. Wedding planning is on hold, and forget even thinking about a family anytime soon. It's depressing. It really is. I try not to show it...but it really does just make me wonder why we're fighting it. The answer? What other choice do we have? None.
The dog got picked up the other day...luckily they didn't fine us for not having him registered and not having his shots up to date...just charged us $40 to do it for us, which is what I've been trying to get for months. It's a LOT less than the vet would charge. They gave us info on neutering him and the cat's shots too, so there's the only good news I've heard all week.
we STILL haven't gotten our tax return money, which was supposed to be paying the rent we haven't had the cash for since I've been sick and Ryan's been out of work. As it is, we've been paying very few of our bills and his mom's been buying us groceries. Job interview after job interview is driving him nuts and I feel more guilty every day for having a job I just can't muster up the energy and health to do on a full time basis. Maybe nothing's really wrong with me. Maybe it's just the way it's supposed to be.
to top it all off, we got the official "termination" of lease letter yesterday that gave us 10 days (from the 13th!!!!) to pay or forfeit possession of the property. That's Saturday!!!! I've been frantically calling and emailing my landlord trying to resolve this, but even if he doesn't kick us out this weekend...where are we supposed to live? He terminated our lease! There's no way we can afford a security deposit and moving expenses right now. We're going to end up abandoning a lot of our shit, I can see that now. I'm not even sure where we're supposed to go? Especially anywhere remotely accessible to work.
even if i could work full time I wouldn't be making enough to bring us back up to speed. i've NEVER been this down, and we just keep getting kicked. it's affecting our relationship, our health, and our home. it's affecting things i thought unflappable.
so what now?
Sunday. 5.10.09 10:54 am
I realize every day how much I am my mother's daughter, and it's a good feeling. Even though she left us when i was 12, there's a part of her that speaks to me constantly. She is my compass. She is my light. She is my determination. She is all that I strive to be as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman. She sacrificed more than I could ever imagine so that I could be a happy, healthy child who never went without knowing how much she loved me. There are more warm memories than I could write here in a year. She spent her last mother's day in a bowling alley in cheering me on in a tournament. It was a hot, sweaty day, and we took naps in the much cooler downstairs living room. Mom, I miss you, but I know I am never without your love. Happy Mother's Day until we meet at the crossroads.
Tuesday. 5.5.09 2:17 am
i know i havent updated in a while. there've been issues and then some...but i won't get into that. i trust that my lord and lady will come through with what's best for me, even if it's not what i want to happen.
i started getting sick on sunday...the house spun like a top and i was throwing up anything that tried to enter my stomach. today it was worse. the doctor on call gave me some anti-vert and made me an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow morning. hopefully we can get to the bottom of this. ugh!
saturday's beltane was wonderful, and the handfasting was beautiful. it made me extremely hopefuly for the coming months and the opportunities coming with them. saturday night with kristin, paige, and wes was phenomenal. i haven't been able to just hang out and let loose in a while. it was the first time paige and i were able to spend some time together, and even if nothing comes of it but a nice friendship that's ok. she and wes are both really cool to spend time with....and, they got to test our first bottle of mead.
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